Monday, March 9, 2015

A Faulty Focus?

Struggling here. To find focus, clarity. To even have a positive attitude.

I've been sick for so many weeks and just can't seem to get better.
And you know what? I'm so sick of feeling sick!!!!
Do ever have days when you look around and you can only see the chaos, the dirty floor, the laundry piling up, piles of papers to tend to, kid's projects (seriously, my son had to make a FLYING SQUIRREL while I had the flu, in addition to that timeline thing Sveta had to do!). Realizing there is no toilet paper in the house...again! Or food for dinner! 
I'm going positively stir crazy.My focus is all over the place,  and I'm afraid, in the absolute wrong places right now.
I like to go back to my Calm My Anxious Heart (Linda Dillow) book during these times.
Today I zoned in on "faulty focus" and read "we live in a state of myopic mania that blurs the future. The horizon is never visible in the middle of a dust storm. But we must have a vision that extends beyond tomorrow. Living only from week to week is like a dot-to-dot life. Often women without direction live not only dot to dot but ON HOLD, waiting...their faulty focus makes contentment an impossible dream."
My friends, I do not want to live a dot to dot life.
I want to live a focused life with a purpose.
It's so easy to get swept up in the daily chaos of life - family, kids, illness, jobs, and forget to focus on God as center.To forget I am "rooted and established in love" and focus instead on the wild swaying of the tree limbs in my life, not the trunk - my relationship with God.
Years ago, when Emma was alive and life was a crazy paradox - two wildly typical children and a little one with multiple health issues & therapies, I would begin to unravel after balancing months of doctor appointments, therapy appointments, sick children, multiple activities.
When I began to feel I was losing focus I would imagine my life in the shape of a plate.
And I would carve out pie shapes of each activity or responsibility.
You know what I would find?
There was not one single slice on that plate which was me focusing on my relationship with God!
So, I would begin getting rid of slices on the plate.
We would take a month off from dr and therapy appointments.
I would say No to people (sometimes that is a hard one to do!)
I would find a way to re focus on the things that truly mattered.
As years have worn on you would think I had the faulty focus thing all figured out.
What I have realized is that I am a work in progress.
That book I have sitting in my computer files may never get published, the children's memorial may never get built, there will be things I will always regret. 
But as long as I am focusing on the nourishment of my relationship with God, I'm not failing.
And even in the midst of chaos, at least He is on my side.
I'm not perfect. in fact I'm so very IMPERFECT.
So, as I look around today and see dossier paperwork, homestudy paperwork, dog hair all over the floor & a boy's bathroom that needs to be condemned, I will also see Him.
I will light a candle, turn up the music in my house, grab a broom and find focus.


Kathy said...

Thank you for this reminder to make time for God! As an adoptive mom myself (adopted our daughter from China when she was 4), I love to read blogs by other adoptive families, so I'm going to follow you!

Mommy Grits said...

Thank you Kathy for your sweet words! I have many friends who have adopted from China. Blessings to you!