Even. More. Broken.

I prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His. That's no secret. It all began the fall of 2010 when I read the story of a little one who had the questionable diagnosis of Cockayne Syndrome. God used one little girl to lead Eli and I to a family who would later lead us to Sveta.

What I didn't know the fall of 2010 was how God would continue to completely shatter my heart and open my eyes.

I am thankful for being broken.

Why on earth would anyone want that? Because it is very possible to see raw images, read horrifying stories of children all over the world - orphans and children who are not orphans but living in horrid poverty, no access to food, clean water, children living in deplorable conditions. Its very human to feel incredible compassion and sadness...but to go to bed at night with a million things on a "things to do the next day" list pouring through your mind but settle into a deep sleep, forgetting the horrible images you have seen.

That was always me until that fall of 2010. Compassion yes, action no. I didn't feel "called" never realizing we are all called - finally God opened my eyes and showed me we are COMMANDED to rise up and be the army here on earth and DO SOMETHING.

Since we returned home with Sveta last summer I have asked the Lord to continue to break my heart.

And just when I feel there isn't a way my heart can possibly be shattered any more God opened my eyes to Pleven Orphanage in Bulgaria.

 Oh. My. Soul. Children literally wasting away. I am shattered because I once had the honor of being mama to a little bird of a tiny girl, she lived to the age of three and never weighed over 13 lbs. But she was always, always HELD in my arms. Every time I see a child with any kind of condition which deems them incapable of learning by their society, and destined for a "laying room" I break inside knowing its JUST NOT TRUE. That there is SO MUCH more they can do with LOVE, and proper therapies.

I don't even have the words, its so close to my heart.

God is raising up an army.

And there IS a way to help the children in Pleven.

Click HERE to help raise money for nurses and Baba's (grandmother) in Pleven orphanage and find out more.

Be prepared to be broken.  

Growing Wings

I love the recklessness of faith. First you leap, and then you grow wings. - William Sloane Coffin

A year ago, on April 26th, 2011, we had no idea what was coming the next day.

On April 27th tornadoes raced across our state, destroying just about anything in their path.

One statistic is 226 Tornadoes that ONE day across the southern states. It was a day we will never forget. 

And a day my faith took yet another step.

But a year ago on April 26th,  my mind was thinking about Emma and the upcoming anniversary of her death, not the storms which were making their way to our area. I was in a race to finish up adoption paperwork and we were struggling with adoption funding, family problems and the enemy was definitely on the prowl. 

One year later my heart is still heavy over many things. Once again, we are on racing toward the upcoming date of Emma passing away. It will be seven years on May 22. It is a bittersweet day. I miss her with a longing I can't really put into words. But there is also peace which transcends all earthly understanding.

A year ago my eyes had been opened and my heart broken in a way it had never been. 

 I was thankful for opened eyes. For it brought me to a place where I could say

 "whatever comes God, I am here. 

Break my heart. 

Send me. 

Show me."

I had no idea I was growing wings.

My heart continues to break over the children we said goodbye to in Ukraine. So many little faces, desperate for attention. Love. Over the months God has shown me children here in the US, and ALL OVER the world who need homes, food, clean water. 

Love. Compassion.

I pray God will continue to break my heart for what breaks his. This is not always easy. Who wants a broken heart?

But I would rather be completely broken than Lukewarm as I once was.

A year ago we were on the brink of climbing on a plane and journeying across the Atlantic.

We had no idea of what was to come.

It indeed felt like recklessness of faith.

We took a leap.

And God grew our wings.

So thankful we said YES.

We will GO.

 

Sveta's Turning FIVE = Matryoshka Madness!

We can hardly believe it!!! Our little one, Sveta Josie is turning FIVE!!!

And it's Matryoshka madness here. (for me anyway)

Birthday plans = A mix of American and Ukrainian, to celebrate Sveta's birth country and America. 

Birthday theme....Matryoshka. 

I LOVE these!

We brought many of these back from Ukraine and they are a cherished part of Sveta's heritage.

I suppose I need to do a rewind....

 

Life has been full of surprises and very busy the past nine months. Okay so that is an understatement. I don't even have the energy to write here or think anyone is reading but have realized this blog is really more for Sveta than anyone else. Little gets written here because well...I haven't had the words to really convey life after adoption.

I guess I should.

She is an incredible little JOY.

See the green fingernails? She chose them for St.Patricks Day. Mouth full of water after soccer? Happy baby girl.

I have tried to find a word for Sveta now, for her spirit, her energy...and it's

FREE.

Sveta carried so much on her little four year old shoulders when we first met her last June. Things we will never know. Sveta is a fighter, our brave little girl. She has walked a journey most children will never walk. We love and respect the ones who cared for her and loved her her first four years. 

There are many special people God brought into her life. We know he has an amazing plan for Sveta.

 That day in June when I first took her little hand in mine and she looked up at me I promised her, I will

 NEVER LET YOU GO.

And neither me or her daddy will ever let go of Sveta.

She is our little girl. We knew it over a year ago.

It's just that simple. 

She is Beloved. Adored. Cherished.

Hugged. Kissed. Tickled. Snuggled. 

We wipe tears, fix boo boos. Listen to fears,encourage dreams. 

Absorb her.

And now we get to CELEBRATE her turning five!

 Sveta Josie joined our family last summer but she has been a part of our life for over a year.

Isn't God beyond comprehension in the way He works, and His timing?

He knew a year ago in 2011..as we were dying Easter eggs praying Sveta would be here soon...

That this year...in April 2012..

She would be creating her own Easter egg, here with us. Learning about tradition along with how her Father in Heaven loves her.

"Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth"

 And now here we are. A year later.

Planning a huge birthday celebration for a SPECIAL little one. 

She has no idea what a birthday party is. 

She has seen children in her class have cupcakes for their birthday so that is what she asked for.

Cupcakes. 

That's it.

Pink and Purple.

Nothing else. (well also a dream lites pillow pet thing....)

She has no idea what a

CELEBRATION

her FIFTH birthday will be! 

and that this is

Her FIRST birthday celebration. 

She has helped pick out the clothing though...

With her own adorable outfit...from a talented mama at Rock A Bye Babes

 

I am beyond excited about all the awesome plans for Sveta's birthday.

There is Matryoshka Madness in the air.

With a mixture of American flavor.

Think hotdogs, rock candy, inflatables and matryoshka cupcakes.

Maybe some varenyky (perogies) or cabbage rolls? I loved both while in Ukraine. Eli...not so much.

Can't wait till June.

We have loved every first with Sveta Josie and are blessed to see life through her eyes.

I promise more updates to come. (really)

Helping the Heim Family

During our adoption adventure Eli and I met someone I am thankful to now call a friend, Traci Heim. We also got to meet two of her adorable daughters. I have always been amazed by Traci and her family - not because it is large (and growing!) but because of their faith, and I am excited to learn they are once again adding to their family. Traci and her husband have adopted each one of their six children. They are in the process of adopting a sibling group of four. That's right! When I say things to Traci like "this and this and this would have to take place before this takes place and what about this...???(in my own life)" Traci's response is usually something along the lines of "Who says God can't do ALL of that, in His own timing?"

She is passionate about her faith, her family and adoption. When I saw they were trying to adopt this large sibling group I thought oh my goodness...what can I do to help? I know it's not much but I am posting the latest blog entry from Traci's blog Like a City on a Hill it will give you some insight into why they are working hard to bring four children home. She has a give away going on the help with fundraising, which is nothing new to the Heim family. Maybe you are reading this and wondering how you could help? Just hop over to her blog and read a little about the Heim family. Here is the link again: Like a City on a Hill and this is Traci's blog post from February 15th:

Hiding my feelings from myself

Have you ever been so calm and serene about something that normally would have all your senses on edge? You know, something so important that there is no way anyone other than you understands the urgency, cares so deeply, acutely knows how monumental the situation really is more than you?

Usually when I am undertaking a new adoption process, (as I write that it makes me laugh. Adoption has become common routine for me. Awesome!) I become what I call hyper Type A. I micromanage every aspect of every piece of paperwork, both the paper I am responsible for as well as those items that are not my duty: think home study, fingerprinting, background checks, visa approval, etc.)

I become hyper-aware of every minute passing that could be used to complete some vital part of the adoption process.

This time has been very different. There are some big unknowns around this adoption. I am going with a new home study agency. It is not so common to adopt a sibling group of this size in Illinois. I have absolutely no idea about how the time frame is going to unfold. All things that would send me reeling into "figure out every facet of every possible scenario" mode, but oddly not happening.

Foolish, foolish me to think that I had really matured that much.

A dear friend asked me to send her an email about the kids. She wants to help raise awareness of our adoption to encourage prayers and financial support. I was excited for her support and set out to write to her about the kids.

I shared what Eastern European Outreach had written about them and then I included personal details about the afternoon I spent with them along with observations from college students who had spent the last three weeks with them.

I thought I would be sharing basic details about their ages, looks and personalities, and I did that. But I learned something as I wrote to her.



Here is a picture of Masha along with what I wrote about her.

Masha (Maria) had a shy hope about her. She was one of the oldest children at the orphanage. There was a group of American college students finishing up a 3 week visit doing VBS type activities, and it was obvious that most of it was geared for the younger kids. I think Masha's life has been spent on younger kids. She definitely felt responsible for her younger siblings. She was embarrassed by some of their behavior while they were talking to me, it was actually great to see that dynamic. It seemed more like an older sister than a mom. I was glad to see her being able to relate on an age appropriate level. She asked to see her picture after I took it, and just like most teen girls, she didn't think she looked right. Her hair was troubling her. She blushed and made a face after looking at it. I asked her what hopes she had for the future. She told me she would like to be a travel agent. I pressed her if there wasn't anything else?

She looked in my eyes and quietly breathed, "I would like a mom and a dad."

And there it was. At nearly 16 she still hoped, believed that maybe she could still be cherished and loved by a mom and a dad. That someone would come and tell her that they loved her and would take care of her.

And she trusted me with that wish.

She is the one I can't get out of my head. She is the reason for our urgency. She doesn't have much time and she deserves to know she is loved, cherished, prayed for, valued. She needs to know that 16 is still just a baby and that I long for her to be my baby.

16 is so very young to be so old and alone.

It's not right, and God help us we are trying to change that.

As I finished writing this I found that tears were streaming down my face. I learned something I hadn't told myself:

I learned how very much I love them.

I felt how much I ache for them.

I realized how incomplete our family now is without them.

I had not shared that with anyone before.

I hadn't even told myself those things.  

I  still have peace about not knowing when and how their adoption will come together. I know without a doubt that God's hand is guiding and directing us. There is nothing else I need to know.

I know that all of us have needs and that money is tight for everyone. I also know that God moves his people to provide and if you are so inclined to be a part of our adoption you can donate here. Every $10 still enters you into the give-away for the Lladro figurine.

Above all else I value your prayers for my children both already here in my home as well as these precious children yet to be called Heims. Please pray for their hearts to keep hope alive, pray blessings upon all those who handle our paperwork. Pray that the Holy Spirit would move within the hearts of His church to take up the cause of the orphan. To volunteer their own homes as the ones where God sets the lonely.

Thank you, dear friends.

Five Months Home Update

I now understand why blogs get a little dusty after families get home.

Life is a balance of trying to find your new family direction, adjustments, growing pains, multiple doctor appointments, fighting with insurance companies (grrrrr),  trying to get your child any kind of special therapy services they qualify for (which DID not work out for us, I will just say I didn't have the fight in me at this time, NO thank you to the school system) and muddling through day to day life with multiple kids, activities and homework. (and like 100 other things...puppies, housework, cooking) Oh, and beginning homeschooling. Well, it's enough to make a mind shut down.

 Blogging gets left way behind.

Life now is  watching the world through your newest little one's eyes, and seeing things in a whole new perspective.

Realizing how much we take for granted. Celebrating in a whole new way holidays and family traditions. Sveta has adjusted very well and I always say "she loves being loved" and we love her more than I could ever express here. I look at her and think "wow....how AMAZING is God that He knew this child was ours?"

Yet...one would think all the adjustments would fall on Sveta...not so. People ask "how is she adjusting?" but I can say, adoption is a Family Adjustment. It is loving through all the changes and sometimes it is very rocky. It is realizing we all are imperfect and we love Sveta so much we all work on adjusting together...we are a family. We are thankful she likes us! Because we are far from perfect!

Somehow...we all fit together. And we live out life as a family of five in vivid color. And it gets crazy chaos at times.

Fun. Chaos. Loud. Dirty. (that would be my house)

Around one year ago God broke our hearts for what breaks his and we began the journey to Sveta. I can't believe a year has passed. We were watching Sveta last night, sucking down a chocolate ice cream cone after dinner and Eli said "just think how different her life is from a year ago..."

Last year all we had to hold onto was a tiny picture and a 15 second video of her in a little red car singing in Russian. We loved her but why? God alone grew love in our hearts for Sveta, our little girl. A year ago I stared at this picture and wondered....what is she like? Is this real? Will she ever really be part of our family?

Now, she is here. Laughing, learning, going to preschool, being tucked into bed every night after being read a story, running into her daddy's arms when he gets home from work. She says funny things like "mommy I can't say that word because I don't talk my words right" and "mommy, my back itches...it has fireflies in it" and the heart breaker....."Mommy...You love me??? Really?????"

Yes. Sveta. I love you. Really. You are my child, born not from my body but from my heart. You are no less my child because you were born thousands of miles away.

You are Loved. Cherished. Adored. Wanted. We will never let you go.

Five months ago we got home. It's gone by so fast, I am actually in denial Christmas is right around the corner. How can that be??

Life has been...busy. Beyond busy. Where did the months go???

Lots of pictures guys..five months worth!

Sveta has started preschool. She has made so many friends! She will be doing two years of preschool and a lot of work at home to learn all she needs for kindergarten! She is counting, saying her ABC's, learning her letter sounds, colors and shapes.  Most of all...she loves to play with her friends! She still talks about her friends from the baby house though and wants to know how they are. I pray all of her friends have families someday.

She has learned to love ice cream and that sometimes there is a funny truck singing music that brings a treat to her front door.

She took her first vacation ever...to the beach. The squeals from the back seat when she saw water for the first time are something we will remember forever.

How do I explain such joy?

Eli, Peyton, Paige and I just sat and soaked in her squeals.

I had thought Eli was nuts for suggesting we go to the beach after being home such a short time.

But it was during that tine we were able to bond as a family.

And wow...the P's were able to see the beach through Sveta's sweet little eyes...so brand new.

Something they have probably taken for granted... but not the summer of 2011.

What every little girl needs...her daddy's hand and a little purse.

This summer we realized little one has some major tanning genetics...she turns a color of bronze after 24 hours in the sun (with sunblock!).

Sister bonds have grown.

And big brother has always been there to make sure she is safe..he is almost more over protective than Eli and I!

He's always there...making sure she is safe.

He had a sprained ankle here...but was determined to crawl up the inflatable to hold onto her.

We are blessed with hyperactive, busy, loud, messy, compassionate, loving kids and are so thankful God has grown our family in ways we never imagined.

Goofy Blessings.

This one cracks me up. She was having tooooo much fun! Her joy makes us so happy!

Halloween???? What's that????

Friends....always, always a part of our life!

Out of all the costumes in the store...Buzz.

Me.."Sveta would you like to be a princess?"

Sveta..."No Mommy...BUZZ!!"

Mine? All mine???

Baby House 19 Reunion! We are beyond thankful to have the Enskat family living so close to us, a continual support. This fall we were overjoyed to meet two more families from baby house 19...!!! We cant wait to see them again! Love Love our baby house 19 families. Nothing like bonding over a shared background. God is Good. So good..to bring us together and keep us in touch with one another.

She is Home.

Thriving.

Home.

Never letting go......

Sometime in September us crazy baby house 19 mama's decided to send Christmas to Nikolaev. I only wish my crying jag to Michelle asking if she thought she could help send Christmas to the ones left behind would have started in maybe....August...

We had limited time but you guys came out in full force and we were OVERWHELMED by boxes and blessings.

WOW.

We were able to send two orphanages gifts! And your generosity helped with all the shipping.

We would like to be a bit more organized (and not me crying, all emotional while in car line, calling Michelle asking what can we do at last minute??)

Next year, we will be better organized and we are working on growing our non profit Circle of Hope to umbrella adoption and orphan care.

WOW!

The Lord provides all we need and continues to rain down blessings.

Oh how he loves.

To end...

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17

Sveta is Home.

Sveta Josie is home.

Tucked into bed. Loved. Wrapped up in adoration.

Thank you Lord for reminding us to remain STEADFAST in your command to us.

It's all about You.

You created our family and to you we give praise.