Tears. Joy. Heartache. So Much.

I have tried for weeks to put words into a blog post but everytime I hit a roadblock. Nothing comes. It hit me last night...I am simply mulling over all the many emotions of the last month. Trying to mold them into something I can comprehend.

My thoughts and emotions are taken back to the many months ago when we first embarked on this journey. A journey some thought we were crazy for going on. But something amazing was happening in our hearts, a stirring that began slowly and as time went on God showed us clearly He was the orchestrator. So many times I would fall on my knees in prayer filled with emotion at the unfathomable way God loves us. The enormity of Him. And why oh why did he think we were able to embark on such a journey to a child in a far away land? We weren't people who traveled 4,000 miles away and left our children home for a month, we weren't rich, we didn't have the money sitting in a bank account, we were regular, flawed people.

We didn't adopt children from Ukraine or anywhere else we thought. Not that we were against adoption, we just thought OTHER people did that. We didn't feel it was our CALLING. We had two kids and life was pretty normal. We were mostly boring and set into our routines. I volunteered at the school and we led a life group for our church. We balanced kids activities, homework, housework, laundry and remembering to buy dog food. We had never been called to go on a mission trip anywhere so we darn sure knew we weren't ever going to go to another country to adopt.

Not everyone is supposed to adopt.

But we were selfish. Focused on US. Didn't see it, realize it, or get it until God showed us. He showed us His love for children who have no home, no mommy, no daddy, nothing. Not even a single bit of clothing that belongs to them.

He showed us her.

(meeting Sveta for the first time)

A teeny tiny little girl who we didn't even know but loved her like we had known her forever.

A little girl who timidly ate our offering of fruit snacks when we first met her.

And during the month we spent with her she began to bond with us.

She still didn't understand "family" though. She had no idea her whole world was about to change.

                               That we would soon take her outside these gates. Forever.

That there was a whole world waiting to be discovered...and that playtime was more than one small area or being pushed in a stroller with 8-10 other kids for 1/2 an hour.

                                  Soon, she would leave behind friends she had always known.

We couldn't wait to start life at home with our newest little girl. Our hearts were heavy to say goodbye to so many of the children left behind. Children like Sveta's friend in the pictures.....being transferred this week out of the baby orphanage to a place much larger. So traumatic for a little person. Yes, my heart is very heavy over so much. Over the children left behind, over the mothers and fathers who gave up these children. I even grieve over the fact Sveta's birthmother will never see what a beautiful, joyful child she is.

But I see her. And I am her mommy.

I believe all of these emotions have been flooding through my veins for months and today I can't quit crying.

Last night I watched three children playing in the grass in our front yard.

Running, laughing, screaming, hugging.

And I was thankful. So overwhelmed and thankful to the Lord for each and every child he has given us.

Thankful we chose to trust Him and embark on the journey to Sveta. Thankful the heart defect Sveta was born with is completely healed...we found out last week she does NOT have tetralogy of fallot and after a normal EKG and ultrasound the cardiologist said he was amazed...according to her medical records she should have been very very sick. She was born with a hole in her heart (VSD) which she had symptoms of for years, but seemingly it is now gone.

Healed. Our God is an amazing God.

I am humbled. Overwhelmed. Filled with joy and heartache.

Sveta saying CHEESE for the camera!

Happy playing. Learning so much.

As we were driving home from the grocery store this morning I hear her little voice from the backseat...

"So much. So much."

"I. Love. You. So. Much. Mommy."

She worked so hard to put all the words together. And I almost crumbled into a puddle of tears.

                                   Every single child deserves a chance to have a mommy to love. So much.