Identity

For the past five months I've been trudging through the process of editing my manuscript, it is the story of my life with Emma and how God has grown me, refined my faith and how I finally found my true identity, not in things or people - but in Christ. 

At times I've had to stop and take a break. I have an amazing editor who has walked with me through this process and has been a source of encouragement, and reminder of truth. Revisiting the memories of Emma's life and death have been good, but incredibly difficult.  I feel finally telling my story is what God has been leading me to all these years. Pouring words to paper is a closure that needed to happen.

 Emma's life on earth ended 11 years ago. 

11 years ago. Time has seemingly moved too quickly yet managed to stay still. 

Every year since her death, May 21st is the most difficult day. The day filled with the most intense, raw emotions. It was her last full day here on earth. 

The longest day. 

Every year prior to this one, I would spend May 21st wrestling with anxiety and tears. Yes, you can still love God, have faith and be filled with anxiety. I certainly have had a troubled spirit on May 21st all these years. But God says to "cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22

This year, I felt no anxiety. May 21st was a beautiful, full, joyful day. May 22nd came, the anniversary of Emma's death, and there was peace. This year was different. 

I know God is still working in me and through me to teach me more of His character. I know finishing up Emma's story is more than just my journey with Emma - it is a testimony to my father in Heaven and how He has been faithful and loves me, even when I have been a disobedient child. 

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful. He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13

Our family has recently embarked on a very unplanned journey. It is a journey that the devil does not want to see happen. When you hear from God and follow where He is leading you you will encounter attacks from every direction. The enemy does NOT want to see God's plan for your life succeed. The enemy wants to steal your JOY. 

The devil does not want to see Emma's story, which is truly a God story, come to fruition. The enemy does not want the changes coming to our family to succeed. 

Knowing this we can put on the full armor of God and I know I will continue to stumble, to fall, but will  get back up, not because of anything I can do on my own, but because God is faithful.  

As I have learned where my true identity is, I have finally begun to understand joy.

Go forward in faith friends, whatever you may be walking in, God has you in His hand. He doesn't promise happiness but oh how He wants you to experience JOY. 

Hope

Last week Sveta asked me why we hang Emma's stocking if she's not here. Her innocent question gave me an opportunity to explain how we can still love and remember someone even if they aren't with us, and that Emma's stocking is a reminder that she's always with us in our hearts. We have great hope in the Lord and we will see Emma again. 

What hope, what truth.

Isn't that the true message of this season?

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

The peace Emma has now is as incomprehensible to me as the peace I have with her being apart from me. How can I be at peace when she's no longer alive here with me?

God alone has done this in my heart.

But the wandering, the wondering, the crying out to God for clarity on other things in our lives - this is a blog post for the future. 

Perhaps, the most difficult post to come.

In the valley is where we have been for a very long time - searching, waiting.

Hope must lie in the valleys of life, I am learning this is where the most profound spiritual growth happens.

A Sveta Update

I've been looking back at photos from before Sveta came home. 

She's grown so much in so many ways - physically, emotionally, developmentally. 

As we enter the 5th (wow!) Christmas season with our Sveta, I am so thankful that she is a part of our family.

 It is an honor to get to be her mommy. 

This photo is of Sveta and one of the precious volunteers who visited the orphanage weekly and played with the children in Sveta's groupa. Her name is Lilya. She adored Sveta. We still have contact with some of the volunteers we were blessed to meet that summer while adopting Sveta and they have been able to keep updated on her life, as well as pass on updates to her orphanage. 

Sweet, sweet baby girl. 

This is Sveta now, picture taken a few weeks ago. I have no idea why one arm/hand looks so large when propped up on the rail! She is one of the bravest children I know, she will try anything (even zip-lining!) and was so excited to try ice skating again. 

I haven't updated much about Sveta's progress or things we are doing. I suppose when you've been home four years everything is so routine you forget that readers may want to know how things are really going. 

I homeschool Sveta and she's now in the 2nd grade, she is making huge leaps in her reading and math skills. Her confidence in learning is growing. We have been using Right Start math and Abeka. She takes other classes at a local business dedicated to home schoolers. It's like a little school and she even participated in a science fair last month. There is a Christmas program where she will be singing and lots of opportunities for field trips. It's been a very good decision to home school and I love having my little one home every day and getting to watch her progress. She finished speech therapy last year and her language has greatly improved. She will soon be starting musical theater classes. She is so excited about this but also wants to take karate. Have I mentioned she loves watching wrestling?? She even has a little wrestling ring and wrestlers she likes to play with. Yes, her interests are diverse. Barbies, wrestling, singing, drama. 

I'm just glad she loves to explore different things and loves to learn. 

She's still a tiny little girl, finally growing into a size 8. But she has a huge heart and is filled with compassion for people and animals. 

We are blessed to have our little Sveta. 

Adoption changed our lives. 

Thanksgiving 2015

This Thanksgiving was a truly a year filled with mixed emotions.

Many people, both family and friends, came together to celebrate - not that life is perfect or that we don't face difficult times, but we all came together to say thank you for the time we each have here on earth. That life is short, and can change in a heartbeat. 

This year all the cousins on my husband's side were joined together in one picture, which is really an accomplishment because for many years each of us has taken a different path on Thanksgiving.

It was joy to watch our daughter play with her cousin, and sweet to watch our son and oldest daughter hold the newest member of the family. 

It was a time of reflection, of renewal.

The holidays are a difficult time, for many people, for many reasons.

It is no different for our family.

I just want to say that if you are struggling, don't give up on the one thing we each have - hope.

For a long time I felt like giving up on hope. That perhaps, hope didn't really exist. 

I was looking for hope in earthly things.

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Looking at each of these precious children (even the man child) I am reminded of the hope God gives to each of us. Hold tight to his promises that all the pain we experience here on earth will someday be wiped away. 

Yes, there is one child missing. How could I look at this picture and not see there is an empty space. 

I've learned that while we will always miss Emma, we can still experience great joy.

Happy Thanksgiving 2015 

Emma

Y'all!  I am ready to tell Emma's story, my story, His story. It's not filled with happiness and rainbows but is blessed with joy. How does that happen? 

It's ugly. Raw. Real.

Eventually, it's peace. 

I'm still in in the middle of finishing the memoir but it's almost done.
 I am so ready to just have this story told.
In 2008 the manuscript was nearly finished, but life happened and I allowed distractions to keep me from completing it.

In truth, it was difficult to put the story of Emma's life onto paper.
Each time I would begin to write everything would come pouring back and the emotion was simply too overwhelming at times.
It has taken years to reach a place where I can move forward with the book and I have begun working with an amazing Christian woman who is helping guide me through the whole process.
From 2008 when I first sent the manuscript to another editor to now, I've grown in my relationship with God and I know this growth needed to happen before the book could be completed.
I had to find where my identity truly rested.

Journey With Emma
A Memoir of Healing and Hope
Preface
"All this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost"

Emma.
The enigma child, the one born with fiery red hair, the child who left us when she was three.
The one who dances in heaven.
While here on earth she was always in my arms. One day I know I will see her again. My faith has grown as I have cried stinging tears. I've been shattered but found peace in the midst of pain.
This is my story, it is the journey I took with my daughter Emma, and the unraveling of myself...